Barclay's bank, St Marys is pleased to announce the installation of a 'Drive-thru' cash-point machine so that their customers will be able to withdraw cash without having to leave their vehicles.

To enable their customers to make full use of these new facilities, they have conducted intensive studies to come up with the appropriate procedure for their use.

Please read the procedures that apply to you, and remember them for when you use the new machines for the first time.

PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Wind down your car window.

3. Insert card into the machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Wind up window.

7. Drive off.


PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Reverse back the required distance to align car window with the cash machine.

3. Restart the stalled engine.

4. Wind down the window.

5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat and locate card.

6. Turn the radio down.

7. Attempt to insert card.

8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to it's excessive distance from the car.

9. Insert card.

10. Re-insert card the right way up.

11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

12. Enter PIN.

13. Press "Cancel" and re-enter correct PIN.

14. Enter amount of cash required.

15. Check make-up in rear view mirror.

16. Retrieve cash and receipt.

17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

18. Place receipt in back of cheque book.

19. Re-check make-up.

20. Drive forward 2 metres.

21. Reverse back to cash machine.

22. Retrieve card.

23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull away.

25. Drive for 2 or 3 miles.

26. Release hand-brake.

WHY?

• Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

• Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

• Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

• Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

• Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

• Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

• Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

• If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

• Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

• Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

• Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

• Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

• How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

• when we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't Alright so why don't we say, "That hurt, you twat?"

• In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

• How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

• If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

• And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!

• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

     When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know, I already got that side."

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself  inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

 3. WHAT WAS PLAN B?  An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

 4. THE GETAWAY!  A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

 5. DID I SAY THAT?   Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".

 6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?  A man spoke frantically into the phone:  "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

 7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!  In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.  King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun... Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.  (hellooooooo).

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!  Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.  No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going.  It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power they applied.  After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.  A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.  The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.  So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.  NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.   Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

HAPPY EASTER  Widdle Wabbit

  A precious little girl walks into a pet  shop and  asks, in the sweetest   little lisp, between two  missing  teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbidth?"

 As the shop  keeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and  asks, "Do  you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle  bwown wabbit over there?"

 She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels,  puts her  hands  on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally givths a thit."

Mujibar

Mujibar was trying to get into the UK legally through Immigration.The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the UK."  

Mujibar said, "I am ready." The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."  

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

 The Officer said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes: green, green ....  green, green... and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'" 

Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at a BT helpdesk.