Barclay's bank, St Marys is pleased to announce the installation of a 'Drive-thru' cash-point machine so that their customers will be able to withdraw cash without having to leave their vehicles.

To enable their customers to make full use of these new facilities, they have conducted intensive studies to come up with the appropriate procedure for their use.

Please read the procedures that apply to you, and remember them for when you use the new machines for the first time.


1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Wind down your car window.

3. Insert card into the machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Wind up window.

7. Drive off.


1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Reverse back the required distance to align car window with the cash machine.

3. Restart the stalled engine.

4. Wind down the window.

5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat and locate card.

6. Turn the radio down.

7. Attempt to insert card.

8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to it's excessive distance from the car.

9. Insert card.

10. Re-insert card the right way up.

11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

12. Enter PIN.

13. Press "Cancel" and re-enter correct PIN.

14. Enter amount of cash required.

15. Check make-up in rear view mirror.

16. Retrieve cash and receipt.

17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

18. Place receipt in back of cheque book.

19. Re-check make-up.

20. Drive forward 2 metres.

21. Reverse back to cash machine.

22. Retrieve card.

23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull away.

25. Drive for 2 or 3 miles.

26. Release hand-brake.




     When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know, I already got that side."


  1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself  inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

 3. WHAT WAS PLAN B?  An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

 4. THE GETAWAY!  A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

 5. DID I SAY THAT?   Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".

 6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?  A man spoke frantically into the phone:  "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

 7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!  In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.  King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun... Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.  (hellooooooo).

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!  Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.  No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going.  It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power they applied.  After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.  A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.  The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.  So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.  NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.   Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

HAPPY EASTER  Widdle Wabbit

  A precious little girl walks into a pet  shop and  asks, in the sweetest   little lisp, between two  missing  teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbidth?"

 As the shop  keeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and  asks, "Do  you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle  bwown wabbit over there?"

 She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels,  puts her  hands  on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally givths a thit."



Mujibar was trying to get into the UK legally through Immigration.The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the UK."  

Mujibar said, "I am ready." The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."  

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

 The Officer said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes: green, green ....  green, green... and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'" 

Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at a BT helpdesk.