following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon,
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What cau ses the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. Wha t does 'varicose' mean?
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.
vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at
him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
2. Two fish swim
into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!
3. Two Eskimos
sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly
it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen
atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says Are you
sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear
about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
transcend dental medication.
6. A group of
chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing
their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of
the office and asked them to disperse.
why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I
can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has
twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and
is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him
"Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If
you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. A group of
friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist
shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a
rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good
fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to
close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they
didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can
prevent florist friars.
Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an
impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him
rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him
(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by
10. There was
the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least
one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did
AMERICA IS GETTING LOW ON OIL
bothered to check the oil.
didn't know they were getting low.
reason for that is purely geographical.
is located in
California, Coastal Florida, coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma
all the DIPSTICKS
are located in Washington, DC !!!
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally,
sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far
from humanity as possible.
sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's
total peace and quiet. After six months or so, of almost total
isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man
standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road.
Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to
come. About 5:00."
says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank
Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."
a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with
the best of 'em."
the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some
I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, thanks again."
likely be some wild sex, too,"
that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been
all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"
much matter ..... just gonna be the two of us."
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"
Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church
sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
youth soccer team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the jumble sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the
house. Bring your husbands.
peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are
sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
"Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and
don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for
the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The Vicar will preach his farewell
message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were
married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began
in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday
evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the
sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to
our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently
needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration
of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminium cans,
bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple
please place your donation in the
envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine
dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off
clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday
This evening at 7 PM there will be a
hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come
prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held
Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
The vicar would appreciate it if the
ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the
bar-b-cue next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet
Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The 6th formers will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is
invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at
the Methodist Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last
Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours".
Scotsman asks the dentist the cost for a tooth extraction.
85 for an extraction sir," was the dentist's reply.
£ 85!!! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?"
the normal charge," said the dentist.
aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off."
aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an
can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price
drop to £ 40."
aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, have yer student do the
with the other students watchin' and
be good for the students," mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5.
it will be traumatic."
now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman..
ye make an appointment for the wife next Tuesday?"
How many men would buy this surgery for their wives?
man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a
woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,can you help
me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I
woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately
30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and
between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am,"
replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technical ! lt's correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
woman below responded, "You must be in management." "I
am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You
have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a
promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to
solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were
in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went
LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at the
age of 93.
most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
put his left leg in........ And that's when the trouble really started!
just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his
and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He
He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things he
left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.
a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one
you had a preference for it." Well, Adam jumped up and down and
please please please - it seems just the sort of thing a man should
Please! Pleeeease! Give it to me!"
and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God
if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam
thing that allowed him to pee standing up.
was so excited he just started weeing all over the place - first On
side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried To
if he could hit a tree stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the
and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I
you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.
it called?" asked Eve.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* a 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out. A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You
must be single."
woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items
on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could
have tipped off the Drunk as to her marital status.
getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Because you're really ugly."
Blair is doing the photo-op rounds of a hospital. Towards the end of
visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious
of injury. He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:
fa' your honest sonsie face,
chieftain e' the puddin'.race!
them a' ye tak your place,
tripe, or thairm:
are ye wordy o' a grace
lang 's my arm."
being somewhat confused grins, and moves on to the next patient and
him. He replies:
hae meat, and canna eat,
some wad eat that want it,
we hae meat and we can eat,
sae the Lord be thankit."
third starts rattling off as follows:
sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
what a panic's in thy breastie!
need na start awa sae hasty,
wad be laith to rin an chase thee,
turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks "What is this --the
replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."
of Essex English
COMMONS - Our Parliament Building.
ATTACK - Extremely perturbed, as in "Don't tell Sharon, She'll have an
- Past tense of ask. "Jordan, I must've arst ya free fazzund times to
up yer room."
- A person employed to deny access or eject troublemakers at a
got izself a job as a bannsa."
- A chocolate and coconut snack bar.
- To wash oneself.
- The two. "Oi Dave, ooja fancy most, Sharon or Tracy?" "Boaf"
- Motor racing circuit in Kent.
- Administrative body of a town. "Darren, wive ad annuvva letter from
- Fake, as in money.
- An edible fish purchased in a tin and usually prepared with
A PANDA - A big hamburger (smaller than an arf panda)
TO URF - Sensible, practical.
STREET - Where the Prime Minister lives.
- On the ground floor , where the biggest telly is.
- Do you consider? as in "Which dog drekkun'll win the next race?"
- Considerable. "Ere, Trace, this credit card bill's a bit efty."
- A small, spiky animal (hedgehog).
- Belonging to her.
- A big geezer who protects a smaller and more intelligent geezer,
for money. "My name's Frank and this is my evvy, Knuckles."
- Cultured, intellectual.
- A jet of water for drinking or ornament.
- A posh way of saying Dad.
- Margaret, British Prime Minister 1979 - 1990.
- A person or object whose name doesn't come to mind. "I ad it off wiv
- Skimpy undergarment.
CRYIN AT LAAD - Mild expletive showing annoyance or surprise. E.G."For
at lad, Britney, if I say Yes will you give it a rest?"
- Go on. "Gawon Darren, eat ya granny's cabbage, it'll do er good."
IT LARGE - To be thorough or enthusiastic.
- A football stadium. "It all wennoff atside the pub near the grand."
- Letter of the alphabet between G and I.
- The Spanish holiday island.
- Dubious. "Ere, Trace, I fink this bread pudding you made last munf's
- Indirect suggestion. " I gave Darren a sort of int that it was time to
- An unknown area of a woman's body to which chocolate travels."That
Bar will go straight to me ips."
- Do you, did you. "Ja like me new airdo, Sharon."
- Five Pound note. "Lend us a jacks, wilya?"
- Is it really necessary? "Oi mate, jafta keep doin nat?"
- Eating house open during the day.
- A girl's name.
- Noisy. "Jordan, turn that music dan, it's too lad."
- Enjoying oneself.
- Material made from the skin of an animal.
- Costs £1 for a ticket.
BLARCH - An arch near Hyde Park.
- The study of numbers.
- Local area.
- An unattractive person (usually woman).
- Lacking breadth, with little margin. "Mum wannid to come rand but
er mind. That was a narra escape."
- Do you know what I mean? (sometimes used as janartamean).
- Not one nor the other.
- National Elf Service.
- A solemn declaration of truth or committment.
- Time taken away from home for rest and adventure.
- Fair and just, without a lie. "I never did it, onnist."
- Go away , as in "Oi you, oppit."
PUFF - Soft, lacking aggression. "They're alright up front but they
a padda puff defence."
- Having much power or strength.
- Sun, Mirror etc.
AN ANNSIS - Imperial weight system.
- A pub lunch usually made up of cheese and bread.
- Good, as in "West 'Am's new striker's qualidee."
- A number of drinks purchased for a group.
- Locally. "There ain't much call for it randeer."
- Period of recovery after rejection by a lover. "I couldn't 'elp it.
was on the reband from Craig."
- Without compassion.
- A direction of the compass, opposite north.
- An Essex seaside town.
- Done, arranged, resolved.
- Very angry. "I woz seevin when I urd wot 'e sed."
- Attractive members of the opposite sex. "Dave's gan dan tan to eye
ASS - A modern terraced house.
EVVY - A woman of plentiful bosom. "Ere look at that, Darren, she's well
- An unattractive person. "Sharon's new geezer's a bit of an ug."
- Upset, as in Got the Ump.
- A document which can be exchanged for goods or services. "I got a
to get in cheap at Forp Park."
UP - Tense. "I'm all wanned up at the moment."
- I beg your pardon.
- A fight commenced as in "It all wennoff".
- You must : "Even if yer guilty, yafta av mitigating circumstances."
OSTALL - A place where holidaymakers can stay the night.
- To suggest something is better or bigger than is true."Craig, I
told ya a fazzund times already." "Don't zaggerate, mum."
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it
was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day just before
Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed in shaky handwriting to
With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read:
"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the
State pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was
all the money I had in the world and no pension due until after Christmas.
Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for Xmas dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God; can you please help me?"
The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked. The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets and had a whip round. Between them they raised £96.
Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
"Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you
did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner
for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful
gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it and our Vicar is beside himself with
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office."
A furniture dealer from Ipswich decided that he wanted to
expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris,
France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first
trip ever to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally
selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Ipswich. To
celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit small bistro and have
a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small
place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the
only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and
motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in
but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of
minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of
a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,
and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
left the bistro and found a quiet café that featured a small group playing
ordered dinner, after which he took another
napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.
danced until the café closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture
of a four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea how she figured
out he was the furniture business.
TV have won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from
it's only available on paper view
Spielberg is directing anew film based around the great composers.
decides to give it a bit of OMMMMPPPPPPHHHHHHH by getting today’s
guys to play a role in the film. He calls Stallone, Arnie. Bruce
and Segal in to look at the roles.
says,”Well I’ve always admired Mozart; I’d love to play him”.
has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people
me playing him” says Willis, “I’ll play him.
says “I’ve always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes” I’ll play
was really pleased with their choices he look at Arnie and
“how about you Arnie?” Arnie replied.
I’ll be Bach!!”
for cleaning the toilet:
Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.
Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently whilst slowly moving in the
direction of the toilet.
At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid
quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.
The cat will now start the cleaning process and will generate plenty of foam.
Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your
cat is enjoying himself.
After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash” pre-wash
and then flush again for the main wash cycle.
Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet
and the front door.
Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly.
The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving
from the toilet to the front door.
The toilet is now spotless and as a bonus so is the cat.
is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on
your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and
cares less makes your life miserable.
A Woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
"He said, 'Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?' "
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;
The next day I stopped eating red meat..
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;
This morning I stopped reading.
An unemployed man is desperate to support his
family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm
and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop.. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a Computer nor an
e-mail address To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmer's market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.
By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck..
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their
neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage.
The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer! No Internet! Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
" Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral of the story:
Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
Sadly, I received it also.
The FAA in the USA has a device for testing the strength of
windscreens on aeroplanes. They point this thing at the windscreen of the
aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally
flies at it. If the screen doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real
collision with a bird during flight.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could
pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield
was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to
approximate the maximum speed of the train, loaded in the dead chicken, and
fired. The bird went through the screen, broke the engineer's chair, and made a
major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.
They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked
the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA
checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test but
this time thaw the chicken first.
Four men were bragging about how clever their dogs are. The
first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a
Chemist, the fourth was a Council Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square,
do your stuff". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a
pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that
was pretty smart but the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his
dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into
the kitchen and returned with 12 biscuits. He divided them into 4 equal piles of
3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good but the Chemist said his dog could
do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a
drop. Everyone thought that was marvellous. The three men turned to the Council
Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The Council Worker called to his dog and said, "Tea
Break, do your stuff". Tea Break jumped to his feet, ate the biscuits,
drank the milk, piddled dead centre in the circle, square and triangle drawn by
the first dog, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his
back while doing so, filed a complaint for unsafe working conditions, put in for
Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.
The New Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £25.00 "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith
A man takes the day off
work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a
frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot
when he hears," Ribbit 9 Iron.” The man looks around and doesn't see
anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and
decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow
that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man played the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas".
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God, or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
THE HAIR CUT
A young boy had just passed his driving test. He asked his father, who was a Vicar, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut." The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
The Minister said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."
While working as a
community nurse, this list was circulated around the office by the podiatrists
(foot doctors to the uninitiated). A questionnaire had been sent to patients,
asking why they required transport to and from the clinic.
These were some of the
I am under the doctor and
I am a pensioner and also
an old person.
I can't breathe and haven't
done so for years.
My husband is dead and will
not bring me.
I have got arthritis and
heart failure in both feet and knees.
I am unable to walk now as
my dog has died.
I cannot walk up a hill
unless it is down, and the hill to your clinic is up.
I suffer from thyroid and
cannot climb as I don't have a car.
I have not got a bus or a
husband and my home help comes.
I live five miles from the
clinic and the postman says I should have it.
My wife must have transport
as she is over 80 and drives me mad.
I must have transport as I
have funny feet.
I cannot drive a car
because I haven't got one.
Bus drivers do funny things
to me and make me feel queer.
I AM NEARLY 86
If mother goes out alone
she gets into trouble.
I hope you will send your
driver man as my husband is quite useless.
I must have your man as I
cannot go out or even do up my suspenders.
When your man brings me
back, will you ask him to drop me off at the White Swan?
I can come any time to suit you, but not mornings, as I don't feel too good. I can't come on Monday or Wednesday as home help comes, and not Friday as the baker calls for his money. I can't come on a Tuesday as my sister visits
One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the! country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, then fades away.
The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.
The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of F. D. R. hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mists.
Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now, to help the country?" Bush pleads.
Abe replies, "Go see a play."
Two fish swim
into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"
Two peanuts walk
into a bar, One was asalted.
walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything
A sandwich walks
into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic drunk
walks into a bra.
A man walks into
a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one
for the road."
Two aerials meet
on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception
are eating a clown, one says to the other: "Does this taste funny to
can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not
standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was
artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"
said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"
atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." "Are
you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
A man takes his
Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you
can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
I went to buy
some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the
butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off
the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled under by a strong currant
Our ice cream
man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with nuts & hundreds and
thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
What do you call
a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish are in
a tank One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
A blonde was speeding, 35 in a 30 mile-per-hour zone. A
local police traffic car pulled her over and the officer walked up to the car.
The police officer (who also happened to be a blonde woman) asked for the
blonde's driving license.
The driver frantically searched her handbag, eventually
pausing to ask the blonde policewoman, "What does a driving license look
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got
your picture on it!"
The blonde driver searched her bag again and found a small
rectangular mirror at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Ah!
This must be my license," and she handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the
driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if you said at the start you were
also a police officer, we could have avoided all this hassle."
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost a child while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born
in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now how about this?
Lincoln was shot at the theatre named "Ford."
Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln" made by "Ford."
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
Lincoln was shot in a theater and the assassin ran to a
warehouse. Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and the assassin ran to a theater.
And here's the "kicker":
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Definitions you won't find in the dictionary.
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in
A place where women curl up and dye.
Someone who is fed up with people
The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
An insect that makes you like flies better.
Grape with a sunburn.
Something you tell to one person at a time.
The pain that drives you to extraction
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
An honest opinion openly expressed.
Something other people have. You have character lines.
Dangers of Bread
A recent newspaper headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health
hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking
bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this
aroma may break down ozone.
I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced
global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the
government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I've done a little research,
and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice....
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the
average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were
unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as
typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as
little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average
person eats more bread than that in one month!
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and
given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant
scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these
frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. No advertising of bread within 1000 yards of a school.
3. A 300 percent tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might
associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colours (which may appeal to
children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. A £40 billion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old runs a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint
Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her, " Hello, How are you ! We've been waiting for you ! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been ?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the National lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion And, my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer. How do I get in ?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word ?" her husband asked.
The trouble with bras
man walked into the ladies department of a major department store and shyly
walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra
for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the sales woman.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic type, supports the masses,
The Salvation Army type, lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type, keeps them staunch and upright,
The Baptist type, makes mountains out of mole hills."
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be
so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him
or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few
moments later with a
beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the
bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead? The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been only £20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ...."
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. 'My darling Susan,' he whispered. 'Hush, my love,' she said. 'Rest' Shhh. Don't talk.' He was insistent. 'Susan,' he said in his tired voice. 'I have something I must confess to you.' 'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Susan. 'Everything's all right, go to sleep.' 'No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother. ''I know,' she replied. 'That's why I poisoned you.'
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."
There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes". The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank." With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."
A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident
and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she
sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her
baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your
brother from Cork came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself,
"Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor,
"Well, what's the girl's name?" Denise." "Wow, that's not a
bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew."
The plane crash
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in central Ireland. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
> > > >
Wife 1.0 Just Released
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up
a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this
phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other
system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys
Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the
system whenever selected.
I cannot seem to keep wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about
going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on
Can you please help me !!!???
A TROUBLED USER
Dear TROUBLED USER,
This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due
to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0
to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it's creator to run everything.
It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert
back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system
would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files
from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0
because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up
with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual
under "Warnings- Alimony/Child support". I recommend you keep Wife1.0 and deal with the situation.
I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to
alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I
might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General
Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for
faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The
best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In
any case avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you
may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider
buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I
recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any
circumstances install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a
supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of Luck,
A fella was walking past a house
one day and saw a notice in the window which read, "Beware, Dangerous
Budgie". Intrigued to know how a budgie could be dangerous, the fella
knocked on the door of the house and spoke to the occupant. "I don't see
how a budgie can be dangerous, how is it going to scare off an intruder?"
he asked. The occupant retorted, "This one is dangerous because when he
sees someone who shouldn't be in here, he calls the Alsatian in from the
Why are there 5 syllables in the
word 'Monosyllabic' ?
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better
gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," said the
old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and
shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said
the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man,
"cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you
a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better
gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said
the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew
his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here -- got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better
gunfighter?" asked the young man ?
"No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin'
that piano, it'll ease the pain when he shoves that gun up your backside.
Three men were travelling and happened to meet at a bar in Ohio.
One man was from Texas, one from Florida and one from Wyoming.
They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their
The guy from Texas began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain
terms that from now on she would have to do all of the cooking. Well, the
first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, and a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."
Then the man from Florida spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her,
that from now on she would have to do all of the grocery shopping, and all of the house cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries".
The fellow from Wyoming sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his
chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well, the first day I saw nothing.
The second day I still saw nothing. But by the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye!"
A fella was talking to his mate one day and told him that his wife
was complaining that their lovemaking was becoming boring &
monotonous. On asking what he should do, his mate replied, "You need to get
a bit more adventurous, experiment with different things. Why don't you play
'Doctors' or something?" The poor husband asked, "How can I make
that last an hour?" to which his friend replied, "Leave her sitting in
the waiting room for 55 minutes!"
The Garden of Eden.
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. So, how
is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God." she replied, "The sun rises and sunsets
are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I
have just this one problem. It's these three breasts that you have given
me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking
them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes;
they are a real pain." reported Eve. And Eve went on to tell God that
since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs,
eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her
body more "symmetrically balanced", as she put it.
"That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this,
you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed
only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right
away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it
into the bushes.
Three weeks passed, and God once again visits Eve in the garden. "Well,
Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You
see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has
her bull; all the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right, how
could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately
create a man from a part of you. Now let's see...where did I put that useless,