The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire (U.K.)
 These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

 
 Q. Name the four seasons
 A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

 
 Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
 A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

 
 Q. How is dew formed
 A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

 
 Q. What cau ses the tides in the oceans
 A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on  the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

 
 Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
 A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

 
 Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
 A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

 
 Q. What are steroids
 A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs            

Q. What happens to your body as you age
 A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

 
 Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
 A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery          
 
 

Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
 A. Premature death

 
 Q. What is artificial insemination
 A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

 
 Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
 A. Keep it in the cow                                    
 
 

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
 A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U       

 
Q. What is the fibula?
 A. A small lie

 
 Q. Wha t does 'varicose' mean?
 A. Nearby

 
 Q. What is the most common form of birth control
 A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium   (That would work)

 
 Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
 A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

 
 Q. What is a seizure?
 A. A Roman Emperor.        (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

 
 Q. What is a terminal illness
 A. When you are sick at the airport.      (Irrefutable)

 
 Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
 A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

 
 Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
 A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.                              
 
 

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
 A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

 
 Q. What is a turbine?
 A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

 

 

PUNS

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally,

10. There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did  

 

 

WHY AMERICA IS GETTING LOW ON OIL 

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

They just didn't know they were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

The OIL is located in

ALASKA, California, Coastal Florida, coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma  Pennsylvania, Texas,  ~~~

  and all the DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC !!!

    

 

 

North to Alaska.

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

 

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.  After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday  night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

 

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks.  Thank you." 

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta  warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the  best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, thanks again." 

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone  for six months! I'll definitely be there.  By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter ..... just gonna  be the two of us."

 

 

 

  Ain't it the Truth!!!

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!" 

 

Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. 

 

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

 

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."  The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."  

Our youth soccer team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

  Ladies, don't forget the jumble sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

  The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

  Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

  Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

  Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

  For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

  Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

  The Vicar will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

  Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

  A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music will follow.

  At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"  Come early and listen to our choir practice.

  Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

  Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

  please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

  The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

  Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

  The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

  This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

  Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

  The vicar would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the bar-b-cue next Sunday.

  Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

  The 6th formers will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

  Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the Methodist Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.

  The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours".

 

DENTAL APPOINTMENT.

A Scotsman asks the dentist the cost for a tooth extraction.

"£ 85 for an extraction sir," was the dentist's reply.

" £ 85!!! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an

anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price

could drop to £ 40."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, have yer student do the

extraction with the other students watchin' and

learnin?"

"It'll be good for the students," mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5.

But it will be traumatic."

"Och now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman..

 

"Can ye make an appointment for the wife next Tuesday?"

 

 

How many men would buy this surgery for their wives?

 

Typical Management

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

 The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.  "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technical ! lt's correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."  "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.  You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

  Sad news...

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is

worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went

unnoticed last week.

 

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at the

wonderful age of 93.

 

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in........ And that's when the trouble really started!

 

 

Adam & Eve.

God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his

bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve.  He

thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things he

had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

 

"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one

of you had a preference for it."  Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged,

"Oh, please please please - it seems just the sort of thing a man should

have. Please! Pleeeease! Give it to me!"

 

On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God

that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it.  So God gave Adam

the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

 

Adam was so excited he just started weeing all over the place - first On

the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried To

see if he could hit a tree stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the

while.

 

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I

guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.

 

What's it called?" asked Eve.

 

"Brains", said God.

 

Shopping

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
 * 2 litres of low fat milk
 * a carton of eggs
 * 2 litres of orange juice
 * a head of lettuce
 * half a dozen tomatoes
 * a 500g jar of coffee
 * a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out.  A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk as to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Because you're really ugly."

 

P.M.'s PHOTO OPPORTUNITY

Tony Blair is doing the photo-op rounds of a hospital. Towards the end of

his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious

signs of injury.  He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:

 

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain e' the puddin'.race!

Aboon them a' ye tak your place,

Painch, tripe, or thairm:

Weel are ye wordy o' a grace

As lang 's my arm."

 

Tony, being somewhat confused grins, and moves on to the next patient and

greets him. He replies:

 

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat and we can eat,

And sae the Lord be thankit."

 

The third starts rattling off as follows:

 

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,

O, what a panic's in thy breastie!

Thou need na start awa sae hasty,

Wi bickering brattle!

I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,

Wi murdering pattle!"

 

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks "What is this --the

mental ward?

 

"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."

   

A-Z of Essex English

 

ASSA COMMONS - Our Parliament Building.

  ART ATTACK - Extremely perturbed, as in "Don't tell Sharon, She'll have an

art attack."

ARST - Past tense of ask. "Jordan, I must've arst ya free fazzund times to

clear up yer room."

BANNSA - A person employed to deny access or eject troublemakers at a

club."Dave's got izself a job as a bannsa."

BANTY - A chocolate and coconut snack bar.

BAVE - To wash oneself.

BOAF - The two. "Oi Dave, ooja fancy most, Sharon or Tracy?" "Boaf" is the

reply.

BRANSATCH - Motor racing circuit in Kent.

CANCEL - Administrative body of a town. "Darren, wive ad annuvva letter from

the cancel."

CANTAFIT - Fake, as in money.

CHOONA - An edible fish purchased in a tin and usually prepared with

mayonnaise.

CORT A PANDA - A big hamburger (smaller than an arf panda)

DAN TO URF - Sensible, practical.

DANNING STREET - Where the Prime Minister lives.

DANSTEZ - On the ground floor , where the biggest telly is.

DREKKUN - Do you consider? as in "Which dog drekkun'll win the next race?"

EFTY - Considerable. "Ere, Trace, this credit card bill's a bit efty."

EJOG - A small, spiky animal (hedgehog).

ERZ - Belonging to her.

EVVY - A big geezer who protects a smaller and more intelligent geezer,

usually for money. "My name's Frank and this is my evvy, Knuckles."

EYEBROW - Cultured, intellectual.

FANTIN - A jet of water for drinking or ornament.

FARVA - A posh way of saying Dad.

FATCHA - Margaret, British Prime Minister 1979 - 1990.

FINGY - A person or object whose name doesn't come to mind. "I ad it off wiv

fingy last night."

FONG - Skimpy undergarment.

FOR CRYIN AT LAAD - Mild expletive showing annoyance or surprise. E.G."For

cryin at lad, Britney, if I say Yes will you give it a rest?"

GAWON - Go on. "Gawon Darren, eat ya granny's cabbage, it'll do er good."

GIVE IT LARGE - To be thorough or enthusiastic.

GRAND - A football stadium. "It all wennoff atside the pub near the grand."

HAITCH - Letter of the alphabet between G and I.

IBEEFA - The Spanish holiday island.

IFFY - Dubious. "Ere, Trace, I fink this bread pudding you made last munf's

a bit iffy."

INT - Indirect suggestion. " I gave Darren a sort of int that it was time to

wash iz feet."

  IPS - An unknown area of a woman's body to which chocolate travels."That

Mars Bar will go straight to me ips."

  JA - Do you, did you. "Ja like me new airdo, Sharon."

JACKS - Five Pound note. "Lend us a jacks, wilya?"

JAFTA - Is it really necessary? "Oi mate, jafta keep doin nat?"

KAF - Eating house open during the day.

KAFFY - A girl's name.

LAD - Noisy. "Jordan, turn that music dan, it's too lad."

LARJ - Enjoying oneself.

LEVVA - Material made from the skin of an animal.

LOTREE - Costs £1 for a ticket.

MA BLARCH - An arch near Hyde Park.

MAFFS - The study of numbers.

MANOR - Local area.

MINGER - An unattractive person (usually woman).

NARRA - Lacking breadth, with little margin. "Mum wannid to come rand but

changed er mind. That was a narra escape."

NARTAMEAN - Do you know what I mean? (sometimes used as janartamean).

NEEVA - Not one nor the other.

NES - National Elf Service.

OAF - A solemn declaration of truth or committment.

OLLADAY - Time taken away from home for rest and adventure.

ONNIST - Fair and just, without a lie. "I never did it, onnist."

OPPIT - Go away , as in "Oi you, oppit."

PADDA PUFF - Soft, lacking aggression. "They're alright up front but they

got a padda puff defence."

PACIFIC - Specific.

PAFFUL - Having much power or strength.

PAIPA - Sun, Mirror etc.

PANS AN ANNSIS - Imperial weight system.

PLAMMANS - A pub lunch usually made up of cheese and bread.

QUALIDEE - Good, as in "West 'Am's new striker's qualidee."

RAND - A number of drinks purchased for a group.

RANDEER - Locally. "There ain't much call for it randeer."

REBAND - Period of recovery after rejection by a lover. "I couldn't 'elp it.

I was on the reband from Craig."

ROOFLESS - Without compassion.

SAFF - A direction of the compass, opposite north.

SAFFEND - An Essex seaside town.

SAWTED - Done, arranged, resolved.

SEEVIN - Very angry. "I woz seevin when I urd wot 'e sed."

TALENT - Attractive members of the opposite sex. "Dave's gan dan tan to eye

up the talent."

TAN ASS - A modern terraced house.

TOP EVVY - A woman of plentiful bosom. "Ere look at that, Darren, she's well

top evvy."

UG - An unattractive person. "Sharon's new geezer's a bit of an ug."

UMP - Upset, as in Got the Ump.

VACHER - A document which can be exchanged for goods or services. "I got a

vacher to get in cheap at Forp Park."

WANNED UP - Tense. "I'm all wanned up at the moment."

WAWAZUT? - I beg your pardon.

WENNOFF - A fight commenced as in "It all wennoff".

YAFTA - You must : "Even if yer guilty, yafta av mitigating circumstances."

YOOF OSTALL - A place where holidaymakers can stay the night.

ZAGGERATE - To suggest something is better or bigger than is true."Craig, I

must've told ya a fazzund times already." "Don't zaggerate, mum."

 

 


 

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed in shaky handwriting to "God".

With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read:

"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had in the world and no pension due until after Christmas.

Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for Xmas dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God; can you please help me?"

The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked. The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets and had a whip round. Between them they raised £96.

Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

"Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it and our Vicar is beside himself with joy.

By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office."

 


A furniture dealer from Ipswich decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Ipswich. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and
motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in

English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of
minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of
a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,
and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

 

They left the bistro and found a quiet café that featured a small group playing romantic music.

 

They ordered dinner, after which he took another
napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.

They danced until the café closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture
of a four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea how she figured
out he was the furniture business.


 

Sky TV have won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo .  

Unfortunately it's only available on paper view


 

 

Tough Guys

Steven Spielberg is directing anew film based around the great composers.

He decides to give it a bit of OMMMMPPPPPPHHHHHHH  by getting today’s film

tough guys to play a role in the film. He calls Stallone, Arnie. Bruce

Willis and Segal in to look at the roles.

 Stallone says,”Well I’ve always admired Mozart; I’d love to play him”. 

“Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people

saw me playing him” says Willis, “I’ll play him. 

Seagal says “I’ve always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes” I’ll play

him.

 Spielberg was really pleased with their choices he look at Arnie and

said, “how about you Arnie?” Arnie replied.

 

“ I’ll be Bach!!”

 

 

Instructions for cleaning the toilet:

 

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

 

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently whilst slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

 

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.

 

4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will generate plenty of foam.  Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.  

 

5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash” pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.

 

6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.  

 

7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly.  The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.

 

8. The toilet is now spotless and as a bonus so is the cat.

 

With best wishes,

 

The Dog

 

Hairdresser 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less makes your life miserable.

A Woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced   So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.   Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.   Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

"He said, 'Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?' "

 


Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.
 
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;
The next day I stopped eating red meat..
 
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.
 
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;
This morning I stopped reading.

 


 

Microsoft

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop.. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a Computer nor an
e-mail address To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmer's market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.

By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck..

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their
neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage.

The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer! No Internet! Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

" Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.

 

 

F.A.A.

The FAA in the USA has a device for testing the strength of windscreens on aeroplanes. They point this thing at the windscreen of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the screen doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the train, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the screen, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.

They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test but this time thaw the chicken first.

 

Smart Dogs

Four men were bragging about how clever their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Council Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart but the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with 12 biscuits. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good but the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone thought that was marvellous. The three men turned to the Council Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Council Worker called to his dog and said, "Tea Break, do your stuff". Tea Break jumped to his feet, ate the biscuits, drank the milk, piddled dead centre in the circle, square and triangle drawn by the first dog, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a complaint for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

 

 

 

The New Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £25.00 "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith

 

Lucky Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears," Ribbit 9 Iron.” The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man played the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas".

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God, or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

 

THE HAIR CUT

A young boy had just passed his driving test. He asked his father, who was a Vicar, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut." The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

The Minister said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."

_____________________________________________________________________

While working as a community nurse, this list was circulated around the office by the podiatrists (foot doctors to the uninitiated). A questionnaire had been sent to patients, asking why they required transport to and from the clinic.

These were some of the replies:

I am under the doctor and cannot breathe.

I am a pensioner and also an old person.

I can't breathe and haven't done so for years.

My husband is dead and will not bring me.

I have got arthritis and heart failure in both feet and knees.

I am unable to walk now as my dog has died.

I cannot walk up a hill unless it is down, and the hill to your clinic is up.

I suffer from thyroid and cannot climb as I don't have a car.

I have not got a bus or a husband and my home help comes.

I live five miles from the clinic and the postman says I should have it.

My wife must have transport as she is over 80 and drives me mad.

I must have transport as I have funny feet.

I cannot drive a car because I haven't got one.

Bus drivers do funny things to me and make me feel queer.

I AM NEARLY 86

If mother goes out alone she gets into trouble.

I hope you will send your driver man as my husband is quite useless.

I must have your man as I cannot go out or even do up my suspenders.

When your man brings me back, will you ask him to drop me off at the White Swan?

I can come any time to suit you, but not mornings, as I don't feel too good. I can't come on Monday or Wednesday as home help comes, and not Friday as the baker calls for his money. I can't come on a Tuesday as my sister visits 


One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the! country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, then fades away.
 

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.
 
The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of F. D. R. hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mists.
 
Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. "Abe, what is the best thing I can do  right now, to help the country?" Bush pleads.
 
Abe replies, "Go see a play."

 

 

·         Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"

·         Two peanuts walk into a bar, One was asalted.

·         A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything

·         A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

·         A dyslexic drunk walks into a bra.

·         A man walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

·         Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

·         Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

·         "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

·         Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"

·         Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

·         A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

·         I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

·         I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

·         My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled under by a strong currant

·         Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with nuts & hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

·         What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

·         Two fish are in a tank One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

 

 

Blonde Cop

A blonde was speeding, 35 in a 30 mile-per-hour zone. A local police traffic car pulled her over and the officer walked up to the car. The police officer (who also happened to be a blonde woman) asked for the blonde's driving license.

The driver frantically searched her handbag, eventually pausing to ask the blonde policewoman, "What does a driving license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver searched her bag again and found a small rectangular mirror at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Ah! This must be my license," and she handed it to the blonde policewoman.

 

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if you said at the start you were also a police officer, we could have avoided all this hassle."

 

 

Creepy

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost a child while living in the White House.  

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in  1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born  in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now how about this?

Lincoln was shot at the theatre named "Ford."
Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln" made by "Ford."

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

Lincoln was shot in a theater and the assassin ran to a warehouse. Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and the assassin ran to a theater.

And here's the "kicker":

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Creepy, huh?

 

 

Definitions you won't find in the dictionary.

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

The Dangers of Bread

A recent newspaper headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health
hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking
bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this
aroma may break down ozone.

I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced
global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the
government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I've done a little research,
and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice....

THE FINDINGS

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the
average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were
unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as
typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of
eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as
little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average
person eats more bread than that in one month!

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and
given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.

PROPOSED RESTRICTIONS

Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant
scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these
frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions

 1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. No advertising of bread within 1000 yards of a school.

3. A 300 percent tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might
associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colours (which may appeal to
children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. A £40 billion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.

FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old runs a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

 

Heaven

 A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.  While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her, " Hello, How are you !  We've been waiting for you ! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place!  How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.  "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been ?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.  "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.  And then I won the National lottery.  I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion  And, my wife and I traveled all around the world.  We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today.  I fell and hit my head, and here I am.  What a bummer.  How do I get in ?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word ?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

The trouble with bras

A man walked into the ladies department of a major department store and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the sales woman.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple.

The Catholic type, supports the masses,
The Salvation Army type, lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type, keeps them staunch and upright,
The Baptist type, makes mountains out of mole hills."

Thorough diagnosis

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a
beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the
bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead? The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been only £20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ...."



Deathbed Confession

Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. 'My darling Susan,' he whispered. 'Hush, my love,' she said. 'Rest' Shhh. Don't talk.' He was insistent. 'Susan,' he said in his tired voice. 'I have something I must confess to you.' 'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Susan. 'Everything's all right, go to sleep.' 'No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother. ''I know,' she replied. 'That's why I poisoned you.'

The Sons

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."

The Daughters

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes". The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank." With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."

Coma

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" Denise." "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"  "Denephew."

The plane crash

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in central Ireland. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. 
> > > >

 

 

User Beware!

 Wife 1.0 Just Released
> >>>

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up
a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this
phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
> >>>
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other
system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys
Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the
system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about
going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on
this program.

Can you please help me !!!???
Thanks,
A TROUBLED USER

> >>>------------------------------------------------------------
Dear TROUBLED USER,
    This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due
to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0
to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it's creator to run everything.
> >>>
It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert
back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system
would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files
from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0
because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up
with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual
under "Warnings- Alimony/Child support". I recommend you keep Wife1.0 and deal with the situation.
> >>>
I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to
alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I
might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General
Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for
faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The
best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In
any case avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you
may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.
> >>>
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider
buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I
recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any
circumstances install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a
supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck,
Tech Support

Dangerous Budgie

A fella was walking past a house one day and saw a notice in the window which read, "Beware, Dangerous Budgie". Intrigued to know how a budgie could be dangerous, the fella knocked on the door of the house and spoke to the occupant. "I don't see how a budgie can be dangerous, how is it going to scare off an intruder?" he asked. The occupant retorted, "This one is dangerous because when he sees someone who shouldn't be in here, he calls the Alsatian in from the kitchen!"

Why

Why are there 5 syllables in the word 'Monosyllabic' ?

 


The gunfighter

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here -- got any more tips?"


The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man ?

"No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin'
that piano, it'll ease the pain when he shoves that gun up your backside.


____


Three men were travelling and happened to meet at a bar in Ohio.
One man was from Texas, one from Florida and one from Wyoming.
They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their
wives.

The guy from Texas began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain
terms that from now on she would have to do all of the cooking. Well, the
first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, and a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."

Then the man from Florida spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her,
that from now on she would have to do all of the grocery shopping, and all of the house cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries".

The fellow from Wyoming sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his
chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well, the first day I saw nothing.
The second day I still saw nothing. But by the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye!"

"Boring"

A fella was talking to his mate one day and told him that his wife was complaining that their lovemaking was becoming boring  & monotonous. On asking what he should do, his mate replied, "You need to get a bit more adventurous, experiment with different things. Why don't you play 'Doctors' or something?"  The poor husband asked, "How can I make that last an hour?" to which his friend replied, "Leave her sitting in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"

 

The Garden of Eden.

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.  So, how

is everything going?" inquired God. 

 "It is all so beautiful, God." she replied, "The sun rises and sunsets

are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I

have just this one problem.  It's these three breasts that you have given

me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking

them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes;

they are a real pain." reported Eve.  And Eve went on to tell God that

since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs,

eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her

body more "symmetrically balanced", as she put it. 

 "That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this,

you know.  I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed

only half of those, but I see that you are right.  I will fix it up right

away."  And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it

into the bushes. 

Three weeks passed, and God once again visits Eve in the garden.  "Well,

Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You

see, all the animals are paired off.  The ewe has a ram and the cow has

her bull; all the animals have a mate except me.  I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right, how

could I have overlooked this?  You do need a mate and I will immediately

create a man from a part of you.  Now let's see...where did I put that useless,

spare tit?"